Packing and Poop

I’m leaving for Cuba in less than 12 hours and I’m not packed. So why am I sitting at my computer writing this blog? Because I’m supposed to give a 20 minute “sermonette” while I’m there, and I have no idea what to talk about. I’m sure all the others have spent the last few months diving into scriptures, poring over Greek root words, practicing their talks with friends. If God doesn’t let me fall flat on my face to teach me a lesson about procrastination, it will be a miracle.

The problem is, that as the date has gotten closer and closer, I’ve started thinking, maybe I made this whole God thing up. Or, maybe he’s around, but he cares about other people, not me. Or he’s so frustrated by my lack of quiet times and repeatedly dealing with the same sins over and over, that he’s washed his hands of me and is just going to leave me in my spiritual infancy like a baby sitting in his own poop.

Then I remember, first of all, I didn’t even choose to believe all this crazy Jesus stuff. I just heard the Word spoken Sunday after Sunday and God opened my eyes so that I saw it as truth.

And sometimes it’s HARD to be a believer. If it wasn’t true, I wouldn’t necessarily wish it on everyone. It’s popular to go on humanitarian mission trips, but it’s not popular to go tell people Jesus is the only way to God. It’s not easy to practice self discipline when you want to indulge in worldly desires. It’s not easy to wrestle with sin and guilt and faith and grace and the tension between free will and the sovereignty of God. And feeling like prayer is useless, but knowing God uses our prayers as his means to accomplish his will. And not understanding why he uses suffering to bring people closer to him. All of that swirling in your head all the time isn’t EASY. I wouldn’t choose to wrestle with this stuff if it wasn’t true.

So, for me, Christianity isn’t about living my “best life now.” So why do I continue believing? Because once you see the truth, you can’t turn your back on it. Like in John when Jesus tells his followers that they need to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and (not being big Twilight fans) many of his disciples said, this is too crazy, we’re out of here. And Jesus asks Peter if he’s going to leave him, too. And Peter says, (in my mind slightly wearily and with a sigh), Where else can we go? Actually the real words are worth quoting here:

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."

That brings me to tears, because it’s how I feel like right now. Sometimes I wish I could turn to someone/something else, but where would I go? I have heard the Word, I have believed, and I know Jesus is the Holy One of God. When I doubt I’m saved, I need to remember this. It’s a done deal for me.

So, I’m afraid I’m making the Christian life sound joyless, which it is not at all. When I compare the freedom and hope I have now with my past endless search for meaning in everything from new age books to boys (and stuff you do with boys), partying, work, travel, etc., then I see how much better life really is. I tried to imagine the other day what it would be like if I could stop believing. If I could go back. And I pictured myself living it up, doing all the things I’m tempted to do sometimes. And I felt that desperation I used to feel…the feeling of…if this life is all there is, then I have to get more, do more, be more. And it was tiring. And unsatisfying. And definitely not peaceful and joyful. And despite the funks I get in now and then, there is an incredible freedom and peace in realizing, this life is temporary. No matter what happens here, it won’t last forever. And then there will be ETERNAL freedom and joy.

And when I feel like I’m stuck in spiritual infancy and God has given up on me, I get little glimpses of how cool he is and how far I’ve come. I recently reconnected with an old friend who has become a believer in the last few years. And I was telling my sister how CRAZY it was that I was talking to him about GOD and JESUS, like it was the most normal thing in the world. We were not believers when he knew each other ten years ago. And now we’re sitting here quoting scripture! What???? And she told me about a time a few years ago, driving home after having dinner with me, thinking how CRAZY it was that she and I had spent the entire meal talking about God. That was not the sister she knew. I love being reminded of the change God has made in my heart. From telling my friends, "I’m not sure there is a God," to telling them I’m going on a mission trip to share the gospel.

I don’t think I could have made this up. And I don’t think he will let me sit in my poop forever. He’s got plans for me. I’m scared. But I’m going to pack and be ready.