I’m getting baptized this Sunday. When I was young, I said a prayer and walked down an aisle and was immersed in a body of water by a great pastor in front of a Bible believing, loving church. But it is only recently that God opened my eyes to the truth of the gospel, so I have decided to REALLY be baptized now. I rehearsed what I would say during my video testimony that is shown at my church whenever one gets baptized. But the 60 seconds it needed to be was not enough time to tell my story the way I wanted to; I had to agree with Daniel, the great video guy at Brook Hills, that a video testimony was not the time to tell jokes, talk about sex, or do “shout outs” to my small group, so I want to do all of that here:
I was raised in a Christian home and was very involved in church until I went off to college. I didn’t give a lot of thought to what I believed…I just thought I had gotten out of the line going to hell and gotten into the line going to heaven. I’ve tried to go back and recall that time but honestly the main thing I remember is boys. Youth group was tremendously fun: skiing at Jay’s lake house, hayrides, playing “Kiss and Tackle” in the fellowship hall (I know…not the ideal game for hormonal teenagers.) I remember having Bible studies, but mostly I remember the Chic jeans I felt so cool in and deciding who I would stand behind playing Frogger at the Arcade at Eastwood Mall. (Standing behind a boy and cheering him on was code for I like you, in case you didn’t know.) How I was raised definitely kept me a “good girl”: there was a definitive line between good and bad, and it didn’t occur to me to cross it.
I had a common response to college and exposure to different beliefs and attitudes: I looked down and couldn’t see the line anymore. Short version of the next 20 years: I came to believe there were many valid paths to some sort of “higher power” and that Christians were, for the most part, naïve and simpleminded. Priding myself on being a free spirit with an open mind, I read every New Age book on the market, had a life coach, had my tarot cards read, looked into Wicca (the supposed “good” magic), meditated, fung shui’d my apartment, and had my natal chart analyzed. (Please note that I lived in Southern California during most of this.)
2005 and 2006: My boyfriend committed suicide, my dad died, and I decided there wasn’t even a “higher power” out there. I remember my sister saying to me as I sobbed about missing Daddy, Laura I just wish you had the faith that we (she and my mom) have; then you wouldn’t be so sad. You would know where he was and that you’d see him again. And I said, Carol, I’m sorry. I so wish I believed that, too, but I just don’t. If I could make myself believe, I would.
Fall of 2007. A series of events occurred involving Carol praying for an intercessory for me, the appearance of a Christian boy in my life, and me going to Brook Hills to show off for said boy. And God used David Platt’s sermons, books I had been given, a Tres Dias weekend, and conversations with friends to open my eyes. That is what it felt like. I didn’t DO anything. It was as if I had been blind and didn’t even know it. And then I could see.
I realized that there were some fundamental truths I had never fully grasped. I had never really understood just how exactly it “worked” that Christ as a man dying on a wooden cross because one sinned was going to get one to heaven. I took other people’s word for it when I was younger, but it never made a whole lot of sense. I vividly remember the sermon where David said: it wasn’t the physical suffering – it was Christ taking the full wrath of God for unpunished sin…for my sin…and that HAD to happen because of God’s inherent nature as all good yet all just. It was a like a light bulb went off, and I just “got it.” So THAT’s what this is all about…how did I not understand this before?? And every Sunday when David would give us a sneak preview of what he would discuss the next Sunday I’d think – I cannot wait that long. I need to hear that NOW! I’ll stay a few more hours...really. In my younger years I thought of church as something you endured because somehow just being there was “good” for you. But now it was completely different. I was on the edge of my seat wanting to know what the Bible said about this…and about that. I wanted to know it all right then. What is my life supposed to look like? How can I become more like Jesus? Who is God?
So I came to believe that the Bible was the living word of God, and it has changed my life. The main thing that has changed is that I realize that it’s not all about me – what God’s going to do for me, what’s going to make me happy. I was created to glorify God; that’s my purpose. And that’s why I want to be baptized as a symbol and public statement of my new life as a believer. I am profoundly grateful that my mom and sister never gave up on me through the years. Thank you for your prayers and patience. I have great friends who stood by me – especially through the “I don’t even think there’s a God” period. And my fabulous small group to whom I am able to say whatever the heck it is I’m thinking, including repeatedly expressing my astonishment that there are things as a single adult that I’m just not supposed to do anymore! I am still a work in progress, but God is changing me from the inside out, and I am a new creation in Christ.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
This is amazing. (And even my friends who make fun of all things "amazing" have agreed.)
First - update on the trip: Had a very sobering meeting where we learned a lot about the spread of AIDS in South Africa, the lack of adequate medical care, lack of education, and why it’s getting worse instead of better. More on that later. Second – my fundraising comes to an end this week - the total is due 5/29 - so if anyone was thinking about donating, there’s no day like today! I only have $300 left to be able to go!!
Third, the amazing story involving a four car wreck, Joseph (from the Bible), Janet (from my Bible study), and God's providence.
I'm driving home from a work a few weeks ago and about to meet Janet to get a copy of the Joseph study we're doing. I’m not paying attention when traffic stops and BAM BAM BAM BAM. I slam into the person in front of me who slams into the person in front of them who slams into…well, you get the picture. Four car accident, all caused by moi. (I won’t go into describing the victims except that they could have been characters out of an SNL sketch. Seriously.)
$500 deductible and my car is probably totaled. I’m thinking through my money woes that night – I’m going to need a down payment, how am I going to get around for a while, why do I not have a savings account, why have I not read that Dave Ramsay book I bought last year??? Where IS that Dave Ramsay book I bought last year?? I start thinking about the South Africa trip. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s just not the right time. I go to bed that night so angry at myself but praying, God please show me how something good can come from this. Because I don’t see how it can. It’s not like I’m Job…this is my own fault. I deserve the consequences. But if something good can come from it, please show me.
The next day as my mom takes me to get a rental car we discuss the trip. We agree – if I’m going to go, God’s just not going to GIVE me the money. I need to start making plans. What can I sell? Probably not the TV with the bunny ears. Probably not the couch that was on its way to Hannah Home when I intercepted it. Am I too old for a lemonade stand??
I cry all the way to work and pray. I need to know what you want me to do about the trip, God. How will I know if the wreck is your way of saying, don't go now, or if it's Satan's roadblock? How will I know???
Janet calls to check on me. I tell her I'm worried about the trip. She tells me how God just pulled everything together for her last year in spite of numerous obstacles. Yeah, yeah, I say. Sure. But inside I’m thinking – that was YOU. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to ME. God needed Janet last year. Maybe I'm just not spiritually ready.
Wednesday night Bible study. Joseph. He's been sold into slavery by his brothers, worked hard for the Pharaoh, then accused of adultery and thrown into jail. We think about how we would feel at that point - not knowing how the story ends. It seems natural in hindsight that he would keep his faith because we know what's going to happen. How easy would it be to trust God if he told us exactly how our lives were going to play out. Don't worry, Laura, about what you are going through in April 2009 because September 15, 2010 this will happen and then on December 2, 2011 that will happen, and then you'll see how everything fell into place at exactly the right time. But if we knew all the answers it wouldn’t be faith, would it? Having faith is Joseph making the best of his time in jail not knowing if he'd ever get out. Wednesday night that struck a chord with me. How could he just trust things would work out?
The next day I’m starting to get a little frustrated with God. Are you there? I’m not really getting anything from you. I start to have some little sparks of doubt that I get sometimes. Am I just talking to myself??
Within an hour of being at work I get a call from the church. Someone has heard about my car accident and money concerns and has anonymously donated…get this… Not $20. Not $50, Not even $150. $1175. ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE FREAKIN’ DOLLARS. What??? I'm speechless. I start crying. I'm overwhelmed. And I know it was God. With this he said, Laura, why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt that I'm going to take care of you? Why do you doubt that when I do, it will be more than you could have imagined? I am in control. I am bigger and more incredible than you give me credit for. Why do you doubt my Word? I WILL glorify myself through your life. I WILL be with you and provide what you need. I hear you when you talk to me.
I now have a renewed sense of faith in all aspects of my life. I can't see the big picture, but that's ok. God is in control and has better things planned for me than I can even dream of. I am humbled. And I have to confess something. I used to secretly scoff at people when they would get all glassy eyed and say fervently, God is so good, isn't He? I would nod in apparent agreement. But I didn't really GET it. I thought, do they REALLY mean that or are they just trying to sound holy? But I get it now. I mean it when I say with total conviction, God is good. And I just said that with glassy eyes and great fervor.
I will need my friends to remind me of this story in the future. Probably tomorrow. Maybe even later today. I wrote all of this in an email right after it happened, and when I was writing it, I remember thinking – I will NEVER DOUBT GOD AGAIN. But, you guessed it. I still wrestle with the same doubts. I wish I could just SEE how everything is going to work out in my life. I wish God would toss off a quick email every now and then with answers to my questions. (Seriously, would it be that hard for him?? Maybe just a text??) But then I can reread this and remember. God is there. And God is good.
Third, the amazing story involving a four car wreck, Joseph (from the Bible), Janet (from my Bible study), and God's providence.
I'm driving home from a work a few weeks ago and about to meet Janet to get a copy of the Joseph study we're doing. I’m not paying attention when traffic stops and BAM BAM BAM BAM. I slam into the person in front of me who slams into the person in front of them who slams into…well, you get the picture. Four car accident, all caused by moi. (I won’t go into describing the victims except that they could have been characters out of an SNL sketch. Seriously.)
$500 deductible and my car is probably totaled. I’m thinking through my money woes that night – I’m going to need a down payment, how am I going to get around for a while, why do I not have a savings account, why have I not read that Dave Ramsay book I bought last year??? Where IS that Dave Ramsay book I bought last year?? I start thinking about the South Africa trip. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s just not the right time. I go to bed that night so angry at myself but praying, God please show me how something good can come from this. Because I don’t see how it can. It’s not like I’m Job…this is my own fault. I deserve the consequences. But if something good can come from it, please show me.
The next day as my mom takes me to get a rental car we discuss the trip. We agree – if I’m going to go, God’s just not going to GIVE me the money. I need to start making plans. What can I sell? Probably not the TV with the bunny ears. Probably not the couch that was on its way to Hannah Home when I intercepted it. Am I too old for a lemonade stand??
I cry all the way to work and pray. I need to know what you want me to do about the trip, God. How will I know if the wreck is your way of saying, don't go now, or if it's Satan's roadblock? How will I know???
Janet calls to check on me. I tell her I'm worried about the trip. She tells me how God just pulled everything together for her last year in spite of numerous obstacles. Yeah, yeah, I say. Sure. But inside I’m thinking – that was YOU. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to ME. God needed Janet last year. Maybe I'm just not spiritually ready.
Wednesday night Bible study. Joseph. He's been sold into slavery by his brothers, worked hard for the Pharaoh, then accused of adultery and thrown into jail. We think about how we would feel at that point - not knowing how the story ends. It seems natural in hindsight that he would keep his faith because we know what's going to happen. How easy would it be to trust God if he told us exactly how our lives were going to play out. Don't worry, Laura, about what you are going through in April 2009 because September 15, 2010 this will happen and then on December 2, 2011 that will happen, and then you'll see how everything fell into place at exactly the right time. But if we knew all the answers it wouldn’t be faith, would it? Having faith is Joseph making the best of his time in jail not knowing if he'd ever get out. Wednesday night that struck a chord with me. How could he just trust things would work out?
The next day I’m starting to get a little frustrated with God. Are you there? I’m not really getting anything from you. I start to have some little sparks of doubt that I get sometimes. Am I just talking to myself??
Within an hour of being at work I get a call from the church. Someone has heard about my car accident and money concerns and has anonymously donated…get this… Not $20. Not $50, Not even $150. $1175. ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE FREAKIN’ DOLLARS. What??? I'm speechless. I start crying. I'm overwhelmed. And I know it was God. With this he said, Laura, why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt that I'm going to take care of you? Why do you doubt that when I do, it will be more than you could have imagined? I am in control. I am bigger and more incredible than you give me credit for. Why do you doubt my Word? I WILL glorify myself through your life. I WILL be with you and provide what you need. I hear you when you talk to me.
I now have a renewed sense of faith in all aspects of my life. I can't see the big picture, but that's ok. God is in control and has better things planned for me than I can even dream of. I am humbled. And I have to confess something. I used to secretly scoff at people when they would get all glassy eyed and say fervently, God is so good, isn't He? I would nod in apparent agreement. But I didn't really GET it. I thought, do they REALLY mean that or are they just trying to sound holy? But I get it now. I mean it when I say with total conviction, God is good. And I just said that with glassy eyes and great fervor.
I will need my friends to remind me of this story in the future. Probably tomorrow. Maybe even later today. I wrote all of this in an email right after it happened, and when I was writing it, I remember thinking – I will NEVER DOUBT GOD AGAIN. But, you guessed it. I still wrestle with the same doubts. I wish I could just SEE how everything is going to work out in my life. I wish God would toss off a quick email every now and then with answers to my questions. (Seriously, would it be that hard for him?? Maybe just a text??) But then I can reread this and remember. God is there. And God is good.
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