First - update on the trip: Had a very sobering meeting where we learned a lot about the spread of AIDS in South Africa, the lack of adequate medical care, lack of education, and why it’s getting worse instead of better. More on that later. Second – my fundraising comes to an end this week - the total is due 5/29 - so if anyone was thinking about donating, there’s no day like today! I only have $300 left to be able to go!!
Third, the amazing story involving a four car wreck, Joseph (from the Bible), Janet (from my Bible study), and God's providence.
I'm driving home from a work a few weeks ago and about to meet Janet to get a copy of the Joseph study we're doing. I’m not paying attention when traffic stops and BAM BAM BAM BAM. I slam into the person in front of me who slams into the person in front of them who slams into…well, you get the picture. Four car accident, all caused by moi. (I won’t go into describing the victims except that they could have been characters out of an SNL sketch. Seriously.)
$500 deductible and my car is probably totaled. I’m thinking through my money woes that night – I’m going to need a down payment, how am I going to get around for a while, why do I not have a savings account, why have I not read that Dave Ramsay book I bought last year??? Where IS that Dave Ramsay book I bought last year?? I start thinking about the South Africa trip. Maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s just not the right time. I go to bed that night so angry at myself but praying, God please show me how something good can come from this. Because I don’t see how it can. It’s not like I’m Job…this is my own fault. I deserve the consequences. But if something good can come from it, please show me.
The next day as my mom takes me to get a rental car we discuss the trip. We agree – if I’m going to go, God’s just not going to GIVE me the money. I need to start making plans. What can I sell? Probably not the TV with the bunny ears. Probably not the couch that was on its way to Hannah Home when I intercepted it. Am I too old for a lemonade stand??
I cry all the way to work and pray. I need to know what you want me to do about the trip, God. How will I know if the wreck is your way of saying, don't go now, or if it's Satan's roadblock? How will I know???
Janet calls to check on me. I tell her I'm worried about the trip. She tells me how God just pulled everything together for her last year in spite of numerous obstacles. Yeah, yeah, I say. Sure. But inside I’m thinking – that was YOU. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to ME. God needed Janet last year. Maybe I'm just not spiritually ready.
Wednesday night Bible study. Joseph. He's been sold into slavery by his brothers, worked hard for the Pharaoh, then accused of adultery and thrown into jail. We think about how we would feel at that point - not knowing how the story ends. It seems natural in hindsight that he would keep his faith because we know what's going to happen. How easy would it be to trust God if he told us exactly how our lives were going to play out. Don't worry, Laura, about what you are going through in April 2009 because September 15, 2010 this will happen and then on December 2, 2011 that will happen, and then you'll see how everything fell into place at exactly the right time. But if we knew all the answers it wouldn’t be faith, would it? Having faith is Joseph making the best of his time in jail not knowing if he'd ever get out. Wednesday night that struck a chord with me. How could he just trust things would work out?
The next day I’m starting to get a little frustrated with God. Are you there? I’m not really getting anything from you. I start to have some little sparks of doubt that I get sometimes. Am I just talking to myself??
Within an hour of being at work I get a call from the church. Someone has heard about my car accident and money concerns and has anonymously donated…get this… Not $20. Not $50, Not even $150. $1175. ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE FREAKIN’ DOLLARS. What??? I'm speechless. I start crying. I'm overwhelmed. And I know it was God. With this he said, Laura, why do you doubt me? Why do you doubt that I'm going to take care of you? Why do you doubt that when I do, it will be more than you could have imagined? I am in control. I am bigger and more incredible than you give me credit for. Why do you doubt my Word? I WILL glorify myself through your life. I WILL be with you and provide what you need. I hear you when you talk to me.
I now have a renewed sense of faith in all aspects of my life. I can't see the big picture, but that's ok. God is in control and has better things planned for me than I can even dream of. I am humbled. And I have to confess something. I used to secretly scoff at people when they would get all glassy eyed and say fervently, God is so good, isn't He? I would nod in apparent agreement. But I didn't really GET it. I thought, do they REALLY mean that or are they just trying to sound holy? But I get it now. I mean it when I say with total conviction, God is good. And I just said that with glassy eyes and great fervor.
I will need my friends to remind me of this story in the future. Probably tomorrow. Maybe even later today. I wrote all of this in an email right after it happened, and when I was writing it, I remember thinking – I will NEVER DOUBT GOD AGAIN. But, you guessed it. I still wrestle with the same doubts. I wish I could just SEE how everything is going to work out in my life. I wish God would toss off a quick email every now and then with answers to my questions. (Seriously, would it be that hard for him?? Maybe just a text??) But then I can reread this and remember. God is there. And God is good.
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